Time for a little change???

I have been working on a new project for work and in doing so have done a lot of research on social media. I decided I need to be a little more careful in posting pictures and naming the websites and people by name. I will just use code words like fishes and stupid cupid from now on. I also thought about being a little nicer in my blog. Thanks to Adam and Trey, I started thinking about how mean I sound in my blogs. The past few days I have really been rethinking where I am going with this blog and started thinking that maybe I should start writing about the good things I am experiencing during my online dating time. Then I got a message from a guy wearing a blue tooth earpiece in his picture and I realized, this blog would be completely pointless if I changed the way I wrote it and I would be writing things like, "no one worthy messaged me today, goodbye". So to all of you who love my bitchy humor, good news... I will keep it up!!

I get more and more messages from guys that are so impressed that I love superheroes. Unfortunately for me none of them even come close to comparing to Clark Kent. The Grim Reaper is on his 3rd time messaging me.... I am thinking about responding to him and asking him if he remembers holding a knife up to me until my friend Michael convinced him that we do not know "Landon" the guy that beat his brother over the head with a beer stein. Oh but guess what?! Landon doesn't exist, but I know exactly who it was that caused your brother's head to have to be stitched up, and we still make fun of him for starting a fight he had no hope of winning, and you for being douchey enough to actually call yourself the Grim Reaper...

Other than that, nothing too eventful happened this week. I got plenty of the same guys messaging me repeat times, and plenty more mirror pics. My favorites are those guys that have 5 pictures on their profile, and each picture was taken in the exact same mirror with a different color polo on each time... hey dude, that is the same picture, just a different shirt. Lavender does not make you look any sexier than robin's egg blue. Thanks.

I did get an email from stupid cupid saying that I am now one of the most attractive people on the site. As flattered as I am, this does not make me feel all fuzzy inside, nor give me hope that it is possible to find someone decent on any of these sites.

I would like to close today's blog by apologizing to those who do not understand my humor and to any of you that read this and get offended by my skeptic view of online dating and my constant talk of the "douche bags" that message me. But come on now... you have to admit, it is soooo funny to laugh at their expense!!!

Hi Stephen....

Please don't yell a me!! I know it has been a while since the last post. To be honest, things in the online dating world have not been that interesting as of late. It is pretty much the same thing day after day.... douche bag, douche bag, douche bag. I told banana boy that I would go on a date with him, but I keep forgetting to message him back to set a date. I think I need some motivation. Does anyone want to sign in and pretend to be me for a little bit? I promise it will be fun! After visiting my family's standard Friday night dinner location, Petruccelli's, the owner (and my former boss), Charlie and I came to the decision that any dates had will take place at Petruccelli's simply for comic relief. So one day I will decide to message banana boy and let him meet me at Petruccelli's to be berated by all of my favorite people up there.

Here is what I am still not understanding... if you have messaged me once and I didn't answer, why do you insist on messaging me again? Fishes has sent me several repeat offenders. It is almost to the point where I am just going to have to pull out my bitch side and tell them how it is. I have one loser that messages me at least once maybe twice a week, and his message is always the same. Please enjoy the message below:

"So, when I see you, the hi hey or hello just doesn't cut it. Your beauty makes me
go duh. The most amazing part is looking in your eyes. They amaze me. Reading
your profile, I can tell that your a cool girl! You know I think you and I could
have cool conversations together. My name is Steven and I hope this message
allows you to respond. How are you?"

Hi Stephen, it is clear that you copy and paste these words to every girl that you message. It is also clear that you spent a full 24 hours sitting in front of your computer typing and deleting until you settled on these words. You are not looking into my eyes. You are looking at a picture of me. We are not going to have cool conversations together because I am never going to message you back. If i decide to I can promise you that you will likely cry or report me for bullying. Please forgive me for my harsh words, but it is never going to happen. Now, go back to playing dungeons and dragons and please stop sending me the same message over and over again. Thanks, Nikki

That is all for today. I think I hit my allotment of mean comments above! I promise I will try to get back in the swing of things soon. It is just really starting to seem hopeless that online dating can really provide one with my standards with a lover.... But seriously.... who wants to play me for a while?? I am bored.

In the Nola Baby!!!!

Welcome back Nikki... thank you very very much, it's great to be back!! My weekend in Nola was.... long...and debaucherous. The weekend consisted of alcohol, dancing, hand grenades, fish bowls, too many purple people, burnt cheeseburgers, terrible restaurant service, alcohol, casino, butterball, reunion with old friends, fun with new friends, too many cab rides, being kicked out of a cab ride which gave me a chance to spit out some pent up frustration with middle easterners, alcohol, strippers, Logan, Elvis, no sleep, and more alcohol. That pretty much sums it up. Oh yeah.... and one very important win!!  ROLL TIDE!!!!!!!!

The online dating life was put on hold all weekend. Apparently at&t promises to have the best service, but I swear, it is the absolute worst!!!! My phone barely worked all weekend, and with no phone comes no access to my dating websites. Wah Wah!! I will fill in on a little tonight then try to get into more detail later this week as I have time to check all of my messages and come up with witty comments about the creepers that message me.

I was pretty much called a bitch by the grin and pucker guy. He didn't see my blog, but sent me yet another message saying that when someone pays you a compliment you should say thank you. Um...well senior grin and pucker who thinks posting topless pictures of yourself in the bed makes you irresistible, I choose not to respond to anyone I think is a complete douche!!! And you sir, are a douche!!! Take a hint!

That's all I am giving you tonight... I am tired, and I want to go to sleep. Please enjoy a great picture of me from my weekend trip in Nola. Oh and ps... to the guy that messaged me and has Ludacris as his picture.... I would suggest picking another picture of someone who is not quite so famous. Just sayin.....

Day 3: Grin and Pucker

Day 3 was not as interesting as day 2. I think the initial shock of the quality of guys that were actually messaging me was a lot to take in. Laura was right... Stupid Cupid is the way to go with online dating. I actually had conversations with decent guys. Great job Stupid Cupid, you have peaked my interest. But don't get to cocky Mr. Cupid... you have your creepos as well. Case in point, picture number one below.... now, could someone please answer me this, why would you put that picture of yourself up if you have no abs first of all.... secondly since when is showing your no abbed stomach and your pubes considered sexy? It's not... at least not to me.

Another funny thing... I am on 2 sites now, clearly. Well, if you message me on fish 5 times and I do not respond even once, what makes you think that I will respond i you message me on cupid? And mentioning in your cupid message that you take pics of yourself in the bathroom mirror because you have no one else to take a picture of you because I didn't answer you on fish and you saw that I hate that on cupid does not help your cause. I don't care that you have no friends and have to talk to yourself in the mirror, it doesn't change the fact that your pictures are straight douchey! 

How do you like the grin and pucker picture, Keri?? Josh thinks it is the way to get a girl... in this guy's case, not so much!

Also, don't try to trick me by making your profile picture one that was undeniably taken in 1974 at your high school prom. a) I am not looking to date my dad and b) YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT ANYMORE!!!!! 

And my final absolutely not of the day is, making your subject line "I drive a Jeep" does not turn me on. Thanks.

I did admit to one guy that I have talked to a good bit last night and today that I am doing this all for a blog. I told him that I would put him in the blog for today, so here you go flash, thanks for the terrible fashion advice.

Shellie, it is almost time for that babysitter... I just got asked out on my first date. Italian... a date has not been set yet. I informed him I am going to New Orleans this weekend and I will likely not come back in good health. In his picture he is dressed like a giant banana. I hope he wears the banana suit and I hope date number 1 is a compete laugh ass joke so I can write something super funny and have a great first internet date story!! We shall decide on a date and location when I return from this debacle of a weekend. And while I am on that subject, days 4-8 of this blog will be nonexistent. I will at no point be in the right frame of mind to take the time to blog in Nola. Don't cry... it will be okay. I will come back on Tuesday with not only 4 days worth of online dating juice, but great New Orleans stories as well. That I can promise...

That's my rant for today. Until Tuesday, please enjoy a few of my favorite pictures of today's gentlemen callers. 

Day 2: A Panda Walks Into A Bar....

Well... my first day of online dating was... interesting to say the least. Before I get to my plenty of fish messages and weird ass people, I must say, I got inside info that plenty of fish was not the place I should really be. okcupid.com was recommended by a dear friend who happened to find the love of her life on that site. Herego, i have now joined stupid cupid as well. Filling out this questionnaire was a little different than plenty of fish, and I like it better. It asked the important questions, like would you date someone outside your race or someone with kids? On an unrelated but kind of related note, I was informed today that I need to say no to someone with kids. Apparently I am too wild to be a mother right now. I can't say I disagree. Okay... back to this questionnaire. I am over it... I have now answered too many questions and I am getting bored. It did just ask me if spelling mistakes annoy me.... HOLY CRAP BALLS YES!!!! Spell check people!! It is a genius invention!!

Now on to the fun part.... after one day of being a member of plenty of fish I had over 40 messages from gentlemen callers who wanted to court me. Of those 40 I saw 2 potential.

First there is Kyle, user name tekyle. He is 24 and an aviation mechanic that lives in Leeds. His picture looks cute,and he has done well with keeping up the convo.... get ready girls, this may just be your first date.

Then there was Justin, the cute preppy looking frat boy engineer... bad news for me though, when I tried to reply to him, I accidentally deleted him. But after breaking down his profile, the girls at lunch and I decided that he would have been too straight laced for me and I would have been too eccentric for him. So goodbye Justin.

Let me just say a couple of things.... 1) this has made me realize how shallow I really am. I find myself laughing and thinking to myself "do you really think that I would be interested in you?" But really, am I going to go on a date with a guy I am not attracted to? No, I am not. You might but not me. 2) I REFUSE to respond to any guy who put that their body type is a BBW or however you word it for a man. Also, I REFUSE EVEN MORE to respond to any douche that posts a picture they have taken of themselves in a mirror. YOU ARE NOT HOT AND YOU ARE A LOSER!!! I also hate lol, but Courtney says I have to let that go for now. Finally, it is not okay to take pictures of your tattoos. I have tattoos, and I am all about them, but it screams douche monkey when you take a picture of your giant back tattoo. Especially when you are fat.

Okay moving on.... well... kind of... another thing that WILL NOT win me over is cheesy ass pick up lines. My profile says I like cheese, as in the kind you eat. You know, cheddar, swiss, mozzarella, that kind... not cheesy pick up lines. I dated a guy that was addicted to making up puns for everything and that is the one thing that drove me to dump him. A person can only handle hearing a pun made out of every Bama football players' name literally every time they make a play. I would like to now share with you the most ridiculous message I received today from a guy who truly thinks he is hot shit:

"A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a steak and a diet coke. When he finishes the waiter asks "How was everything sir?". The panda reaches into his fur, pulls put a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He gets up, starts to leave when the manager runs up and says "What are you doing?! You just shot my best waiter and you haven't paid your bill yet!"
"Do you know what I am?" asks the Panda
"yeah, you're a panda" says the manager
"That's right, so go look it up" says the panda and he walks out. Confused the manager goes into his office, pulls out a dictionary an looks up "panda"
Panda (noun) - black and white bear from asia. Eats shoots and leaves.

Yes, that was long to type out but hopefully it made you laugh. I'm Nick by the way. :)"

Then after no response he follows up with this message: 

"You not like my cheesy joke? I figured you would since you liked cheese. ;)"

Dear BhamNick78, LAME!!! Sincerely, Nikki


WOAH!!! I was going to share are few other lame messages that I got today, however something with a whole lot of, as Chelsea would say, cray cray just happened. Do not message me if you have ever pulled a knife on me or refer to yourself as the grim reaper. To those of you who know the story, yes, that just happened, and for those of you who don't just ask and I will share it. 


That is all for today. Join me tomorrow for day 3 of my adventures! I have also added the link to my stupid cupid profile at the top of the page. And enjoy a few pictures of the winners that love my smile. If you know any of these people, please do not get offended, just remember, I am shallow!! Peace out homies!!!!

Day 1 of Cyber Dating Commences

I need to start this blog by saying, I am very skeptical of online dating. As a matter of fact, I am pretty weirded out by the whole thing. I am literally the only remaining single person in my group of friends and to be completely honest, I am not okay with it. I have experienced heartbreak after heartbreak. From my first love, that beat me down emotionally, to the best friend that I was convinced by others that I was in love with. There was one guy in my life for 5 years. I was convinced that he was the one. No matter what happened over the past 5 years we always went back to each other. Well... I just found out via Facebook that he is now engaged. Again, HEART SMASHED!! My most recent dating experience was with a guy 7 years younger than me... Obviously that didn't work out considering he is 19 and has no idea who he is let alone what he wants out of life. It ended and I found myself heartbroken... and a little pissed that I was dumped by a kid. I guess I didn't do a good job of hiding my broken heart, because everyone who knows me even a little bit knew something was wrong. After almost 2 months of still thinking about him every day and praying every night that it will work out for us, I have decided that it is time to move on. That is where our story begins....

A few of my friends convinced me at lunch last week that it would be a good idea to start online dating and blog about my experience. If nothing else, it will be funny and provide entertainment to those who read it, and who knows, maybe my prince is in the group of men willing to try the online dating thing. Only time will tell. So here we go.... Day 1 - signing up for plentyoffish.com

Step 1 of registration is to pick a name. I chose Niknak1425.
Step 2 is filling out a questionnaire.

Body Type? Really? The options are "Thin, Athletic, Average, A few extra pounds, Big & Tall/BBW" Seriously? Who is going to openly admit they are 400 pounds? Where is the option "bitch I look good"?
Do I smoke? uhh... no... I have asthma....
Do I do drugs? Is anyone really going to answer, "yes I have a meth lab in my kitchen"? I think not...
When it comes to dating what best describes your intent? uhh... to blog about the crazies, make people laugh, and get famous? Is that a good answer? No? Okay, I put to find a relationship.
Now I have to fill out a headline and write a description about myself.... If you ask me, I am awesome and boys are stupid for not finding me in real life and making me result to online dating. But I won't write that.

Okay.... I am done.... oh wait... they want you to think you are done, but now I have to fill out a personality test. As if I don't have to do this enough at work.

And wow... 30 seconds after I finish the final step I already have 4 messages.... Here we go... Stay tuned tomorrow to find out what happens next.... Oh and if you want to view my plenty of fish profile click on the link at the top!